The Talk No Woman wants to have

“When are you going to have a baby?” I hated this question. This question felt like a punch right to my gut. How do I answer this? I had to lie. Or should I have said I want to have one right now but I just can’t seem to get pregnant. Lol I’m sure their mouths would have dropped or I would have gotten the fake sympathy and apologies for their insensitivity. I can only imagine the women who have suffered a miscarriage. I’m sure it is just as hard for them to answer that same question. Most people really think it is easy for everyone to get pregnant but you can’t blame them for their ignorance. They don’t know what we fail to talk about. Infertility is taboo for some reason when really it shouldn’t be. Everyone’s journey is different and it is their own story made exactly for them. Yes, I had an issue with getting pregnant. Yes, I was only 23 years old at the time. I didn’t know that this could happen to young women until it happened to me. NO. I didn’t tell everyone about my struggle with infertility. I told my mother, my boyfriend of course and a close friend. I made the decision to keep it a secret and face it all alone. It was hard as hell and now that I have chosen to write about it I feel better. It’s like a weight off my shoulders. I really want to help other women so they are not like me, but do better than me. Open up, talk about it let’s stop infertility from being taboo. I want to see more women talking about their own struggles, successes and failures with fertility. Let’s start a community where women do not have to be ashamed of their infertility and we remove the pressure to be perfect.

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Why I didn’t open up?

Fear. I was afraid to tell people out of fear of being made fun of or receiving unwanted pity. Fear that my dream of being a mother would never come true. What if I never conceived a child? Would I be ok not experiencing pregnancy in my life? The answer was no. I would die trying to get pregnant lol but seriously I was determined to have a baby.  I just couldn’t handle the pressure of everyone watching and rooting me on from the sidelines. I already added pressure onto myself with me getting older and everyone around me having babies. I felt that no one was in my shoes, no one could honestly understand the hurt I felt every time someone made a pregnancy announcement. Or how about every time someone asked me when was I going to have a child. I knew many women who had experienced pregnancies and miscarriages but I never met someone who was infertile. I just didn’t feel my story was common. How could anyone truly relate? I was 23 years old, most of my friends around me were living their best lives. I enjoyed life as well but I felt ready to be a mom. I knew I was infertile so I did not want to make the mistake of waiting until I was too old to find out the reason and then start treatment. So I mustered up enough courage to start my fertility journey at 23 years old.

I went through a lot of different emotions during my journey. One day I would be sad, next day mad and often times jealous. Social media did not help with this emotional roller-coaster it actually fueled it. Never compare yourself to everyone else around you. My boyfriend would always say you don’t see the “bad” parts of being a parent through social media it is not all peaches and cream. Honestly that is the same thing I can say about pregnancy.Women are quick to share that they are pregnant but not so much when they miscarry, have a still birth or they just can’t get pregnant. Trying to get pregnant is not all peaches and crème for some people it’s hard and difficult.The journey of infertility is not for the weak it takes a mentally strong person to be able to persevere and keep going every day.

Won’t he do it?

I was raised in the church my whole life but I didn’t learn the power of prayer until I began my infertility journey. I had to help keep my mind, body and spirit healthy. Yes, that’s important how can I conceive a children such a negative head space. I had to be emotionally and spiritually healed for my fertility journey to be successful. The movie “War room” showed me how to write out my prayers which I used as time to meditate. I found myself praying everyday asking god for help through this difficult time and I spoke everything in to existence. This journey can be mentally draining but I found peace by staying faithful in god and it kept me grounded and sane. Prayer gave me hope that my dream of being a mom would one day manifest.

 Please share your methods of stress relief that you found helpful during your infertility journey.

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18 thoughts on “The Talk No Woman wants to have

  1. Hi I’m a 31year old woman who is trying to conceive ,it’s very hard everyone is putting pressure on me even my husband I can’t deal with it anymore we’ve got one child together he’s 5years old we’ve been trying to have another one since 2017but no luck I’m stressed I don’t know what to do please help

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    1. Wow I am so sorry to hear this I understand how hard it can be to deal with families and friends. I would try talking with them and letting them know that their constant pressure does not help you and if your comfortable enough open up to them and let them know what’s going on. But the support will help you during this journey. Don’t give up and check out some of my other blogs for some tips on fertility. Have you seen a fertility specialist yet?

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  2. Personally, I found a lot of benefit in a regular yoga practice for stress reduction, but there are so many other options. Meditation, simple breath work, long hot baths are still my post-baby go-tos! All the luck to you on your journey!

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    1. Yes I love working out as well and baths are amazing and very relaxing.

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  3. The attention around our (women) uterus is interesting and annoying. After having my daughter I was diagnosed with prolapse and a partial hysterectomy was recommended. I was okay with it because I didn’t want any more children…but the specialist would not do the surgery. Her and my OBGYN kept saying, “what if you want more children? You’re only 27-28.” “What if something happens to one of your kids?” The choice was basically taken away from me! I understand now how private the decision is to conceive or not. Our bodies and choices should be respected. Love your blog!

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    1. Wow yes I had to learn how to assert myself with doctors. I now speak up and tell them what I feel is best after doing my research and finding out all information and weighing my options. Right and it’s our choice to discuss or not. Thanks for reading.

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  4. Your post hits home, although I was in my 30’s. I prayed for a little girl for 10 years. I wasn’t married, but wanted a child. I went through 2 failed adoptions. Then, in my late 30’s, I met the man I would eventually marry. When I didn’t get pregnant right away, I started fertility treatments. I didn’t tell anyone besides my best friend what I was going through. I wanted a baby so bad. I started looking into holistic alternatives and I firmly believe that is what helped. I was told that your body needs to be healthy enough for a baby to develop. I gave up dairy, gluten and sugar. I also started seeing a fertility acupuncturist once a week. It’s what she specializes in and there are baby pictures all over her walls. In addition, I decided to do a round of IVF. My acupuncturist worked with me to prepare my body. I saw her for almost a year every single week. The IVF worked on the first try and I was 40! I credit the acupuncturist and books such as The Relaxation Response and The Power of Belief (two different books). I KNEW the IVF was going to work. I can’t explain it. And now I have a beautiful little girl that is the light of my life and I tell her that almost daily. Believe that it will happen. It may not be on your schedule, but someday… good luck with your journey. It’s very difficult and emotional, but don’t let it define you.

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story. That is so amazing and touching to hear and I am glad it worked out for you. I also conceived my child naturally through various holistic treatments I used. You are absolutely right that everyones timing is right for them. This is why I began my blog to help other women talk about their infertility in hopes to share information and remove the stigma .

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  5. I can’t imagine how challenging and emotional this journey is. Sending you love to light your way.

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    1. Yes this journey was very difficult to speak about and it is one that I feel deserves light to be shed on for the benefit of many other women suffering in silence. Thank you

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  6. Wow, this is a powerful and inspiring post for so many people. You are so strong going through this and talking about it. I know you’ll help so many people as they struggle with this.

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    1. Yes thank you that is what I hope to do. I actually had my child March of 2017 so I am hoping to help other women and encourage them to talk about it while they are going through it.

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      1. That’s incredible! I can’t wait to read more about your journey!

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  7. I feel your pain! I was married 5 years ago and people have been asking ever since. I was well past the high-risk zone for getting pregnant when we got married so we never felt that infertility treatments were a good option for us. It breaks my heart when people ask me because I would love to have children. I know people aren’t asking to be rude but it still hurts. Best of luck to you – I hope your dreams of motherhood come true!!

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    1. I am so sorry to hear that. Yes being married only makes it worse because it seems as if people feel all married people HAVE to have children. I understand your decision your safety comes first. If you don’t mind me asking you what do you say to people when they ask you?

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  8. Hi 👋🏻, I love your blogpost.
    It’s really tiring and draining when everyone ask that question that stings to the heart “are you pregnant or when are you getting pregnant”.
    I am 27, a year married and TTC. I married the love of my life; a month after our marriage, I had to do a myomectomy (shocker!). My hubby is the only son and his mom wants grandchildren (no pressure tho). I can remember how I cried severally on the hospital bed after the surgery, I could feel the sad/happy/tensed expression on my hubby’s face ( he was told Twas a major operation, hence the tension… what if?!). I asked God WHY ME? YOU DONT LOVE ME ENOUGH?! LORD YOU GAVE ME THE BEST GUY.. WHY DO I HAVE TO MAKE HIM SUFFER… I had been pregnant before, when I was 25. Pregnant for a man who hits me and gave me tortures of my life (I thought it was love). I was going to marry him (I thought!) but for everyday I prayed, we fought and almost killed ourselves. Everyone around me (minus my mom and sibs) made me feel that’s how all men are. I wasn’t close to enough to let my mom know what I was going through. And then, pregnant! I can’t keep it. I decided to remove it 😔😢😩. I didn’t want to bring shame (1st daughter ish) and most importantly be with a man that hits the hell out of me and gives me headache every seconds. I removed the innocent child at 6weeks 😭😭😭. My life has been haunted since then and then God blessed me with my hubby and I am TTC. After the myomectomy, I thought I would conceive immediately, blocked Fallopian tubes followed (hsg upon hsg).. my tubes are open and fine now.. but didn’t conceive. Doctors says I prolly might be ovulating during my AF… sigh! Confusion upon confusion. I have been blessed with the most support husband who tells me; baby I know you will get pregnant and give birth to our children.. calm down!. Most importantly, I have learnt to pray (asked for forgiveness everyday), and be happy and positive everyday. Living my best life till my babies come!

    I am sorry little one 😢🙏🏻.

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    1. Wow you are so courageous I am so sorry to hear about your past abusive situation and I truly understand the difficult decision you made at that time. I know it was for the best! I am happy that you have found a great man now and that he is supporting you every step of the way. Yes prayer definitely helps and I hope you check out my other blogs regarding increasing your fertility in natural non invasive way. I plan to write about some other natural herbs that I took while TTC that I believe helped me conceive my child naturally so make sure to sign up for alerts when I post! Thank you so much for the feedback and good luck to you on your journey!

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